True love is formed by living a mutual life for many years. Admiration and infatuation can be created in a day. In our world of instant gratification this is difficult to appreciate, but it is nonetheless true. A gateway through which one enters into enchantment, romance and love. In the shidduch approach, marriage is seen as a gateway. But where is the romance? How can one propose to someone they’ve known for only one week? They know so little about each other, and cannot possibly be in love!” A Gateway “Rabbi, it all sounds so neat and businesslike. If they are incompatible, or if that basic attraction just isn’t there, they simply discontinue the relationship and move on with dignity and amity.

If their pictures are compatible and they enjoy a degree of chemistry, then they have discovered a foundation upon which their marriage can be built. They each try to paint a picture of the life they hope to lead. Families, personalities, hopes and aspirations are all open to discussion. Questions such as “what do you want out of life” and “what kind of family do you envision” are comfortably broached. They are immediately comfortable with subjects that are often left untouched for months. They are there to examine what they have in common, if there is chemistry between them, and if they find each other favorable. They don’t circle around each other they launch into frank discussion. When the young couple go out on a date, they treat their encounter with sensitivity and pragmatism. Carefully matching up the parties, the matchmaker ensures that neither gentleman nor lady meet with those with whom they share little in common. The matchmaker, or shadchan, begins by finding out all that she or he can about the men and women being matched up-their interests, characters, personalities and needs. But let’s take a closer look at the shidduch approach to finding a mate. It was only after their wedding that they discovered their admiration for each other, and finally, their love.ĭispassionate? Unromantic? Maybe. took Rebecca, and she became his wife, and he loved her.” First she bacame his wife, and then he loved her. Let’s take another look at the biblical verse quoted at the beginning of this essay: “And Isaac . . . She and Isaac never hesitated, and were married the very next day.ĭid they love each other on their wedding day? They barely even knew each other. Dispatched by Abraham to find the perfect bride, he returned with Rebecca in tow. Eliezer, Abraham’s servant, was a superb matchmaker. They were spared this agony when their parents treated them to a shidduch. A Shidduchįortunately for them, it didn’t work out that way for Isaac and Rebecca. People would ask Isaac when he was going to propose, and he would say, “I’m not sure Rebecca is ready.” “Have you asked?” “What, you expect me to ask?” And so it would go round and round for months, till one of them plucked up the courage and finally popped the question. People would ask Rebecca if she had a boyfriend, and she would shyly smile and say, “Yes.” “Are you going to marry him?” “I don’t know.” “Do you want to?” “Well, of course!” “So why don’t you?” “Well, we don’t speak of such things!” Each focused on the other’s feelings, but too hesitant to disclose their own. They would go in circles, each wondering what the other was thinking, but too scared to probe. Once again the invitation would appear casual, but would in fact be the product of much planning and agony. The answer would come several days later in the form of a second invitation. Each would wonder what the other thought, but neither would dare to ask. Isaac would appear gallant, and hope to make her laugh, while Rebecca would strike an interested yet noncommittal pose. They would spend their first meeting making an impression. He would insist and she, secretly happy, would appear to reluctantly relent. No one likes to appear overly eager these days, lest the feelings are not reciprocated. After an initial blush, she would shrug him off. From the corner of his eye he would fix her with a surreptitious gaze, which she would briefly acknowledge, then coyly turn away.Īt that point, I suppose, Isaac would have sauntered over to Rebecca and invited her to a cup of coffee. Had Isaac and Rebecca been ordinary folk living in the modern age their courtship might have looked something like this: Isaac would notice Rebecca at the well and take in her good looks. took Rebecca, and she became his wife, and he loved her ( Genesis 24:67) A Modern Courtship

Arranged marriage matchmaker